By Alan J. Hawkins
Two weeks ago, I shared thoughts about Level-1 CRE as part of a strategic, tiered, developmental hierarchy of CRE services: Problem-Solving, Improvement, and Hope. And last week I shared my thoughts about Level-2 CRE services: General Relationship Fundamentals. This week I’ll give you my thoughts about a third level of CRE services: Advanced Training. And I’ll conclude with a few random thoughts about this model of CRE services.
Level 3 – Advanced Training: The third target for CRE is to help solid couples reach for the stars. From a position of functional relationships and basic healthy marital processes, relationship security, and the long view, some couples will want advanced training to take their relationship to the next level – a “summit marriage.” They want relationship transformation, not just relationship problem-solving and regular maintenance. (“Maintenance” is not a pejorative term here; when things are working well overall, we usually just want them to keep working well, not magically “up their game”!)
Eli Finkel has written about how the institution of marriage has become weaker partly as a result of the summit-high expectations we have come to expect of it. He critiques the “all-or-nothing” marriage ideal and explores the possibility of allowing people to recalibrate expectations to be more realistic in their current circumstances. But some people want to reach higher.
Summit marriages aren’t for everyone, and certainly not all the time. Still, there are couples who want to do more than tune-up their good-enough marriage. When life circumstances allow, they want to be relationship mountaineers and explore the Himalayan heights of marriage: soul-touching sex, full openness and transparency, Olympic-level communication skills that can resolve virtually every issue, adventurous mutual sharing of life aspirations, etc.
The CRE field is capable of facilitating such lofty aspirations. But I think we need to do this separate from the more prosaic Level-2 CRE intended to facilitate healthy, sustainable, warm, good-enough marriages. (Again, “prosaic” is not a pejorative term here.)
I think CRE programs are often viewed as if they are doing level-3 CRE, taking relationships to the peak. They often advertise as if. But most couples who present for CRE are asking for Level-1 or Level-2 services. I see Level-3 CRE as distinct. For those who want to put in the effort to see how high they can take their good-enough marriage, by all means, let’s design curricula and programs to help. The benefit of conceptually separating level-2 and level-3 CRE is that level-2 does not send the message that your goal should be an 11 on a 10-point scale of marital happiness. If you want eternal bliss, that’s level 3; but first you need to solve your solvable problems and master the fundamentals of healthy, good-enough relationships. Also, we know that many Level-2 program participants are distressed; Level-3 work should not work with distressed couples. Distressed couples who attend CRE programs need to solve specific problems and work on the relationship fundamentals before attempting an ascent to the potential heights of relationship bliss.
I’m curious and excited to see what CRE developers would do differently if they could assume that all their participants were solid in the fundamentals and now want to reach for the stars!
Two concluding thoughts. First, I probably skipped over an important level – call it Level-0 – that focuses on micro-messaging. These are the “nano-interventions” found in social media campaigns, the sticky concepts that implant themselves in our brains and hearts that can help people understand relationships better and prime them for positive change. Here’s an example of one I like that distinguishes between “passive and proactive partners.” Level-0 micro-messaging can be used to recruit participants into other CRE efforts, but I think they should also stand on their own as a part of a strategic suite of CRE services.
Finally, I end with an important clarification: in this blog I am thinking more about how the CRE field as a whole needs to adapt, not any single provider or educator. Educators can operate at whatever level or combination of levels they want. But as a field, we should have this tiered service model in mind. Strategically, we will reach a much wider audience with Level-0 micro-messaging and Level-1 hacks. Hopefully, then, more couples would be interested in and open to more Level-2 investment on relationship fundamentals that create and sustain healthy, good-enough relationships. And then from that solid foundation, adventurous achieving couples can take on advanced training in Level-3 programs to reach for the relational summits.
I think a CRE field that approaches the work from this kind of strategic, developmental, tiered model will be more effective for more people than is currently the case.
What do you think? Share your thoughts below.
Alan J. Hawkins is Vice-chair of NARME. He is the Chair of the Utah Marriage Commission, and an affiliated scholar of the Wheatley Institute at Brigham Young University. He retired from the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University after 33 years of teaching, research, and outreach, much of it focused on the effectiveness of relationship education.
